The Rhythm of Life....

Spending time at the beach (or the shore as they say on the east coast), brings a lot of things to a head.  There are the months of anticipation, coupled with the hours of packing, rushing, traveling, driving, unpacking and then the moment you've been anticipating is finally there.  The "aaaahhhh" as your feet hit the sand and the sea breeze smacks you right in the face, its rather glorious!
I've long been puzzled by the term "ebb and flow" of the waves.  When I first heard that term years ago, I was looking for something melodic or rhythmic, but waves mostly seem sporadic and unpredictable to me.  Sure, they are reliable, you always know when they are coming (or that they are coming), but they aren't 'by the clock', they dance to their own rhythm as if they have their own drumbeat.
When I think about that it reminds me of life, in a way.  We all seem to march to our own drumbeat.  Each individual is as unique as the thumbprint God placed on our hearts and lives and thumbs.  We start out in life rather disorderly and clumsy, but it seems that the older one gets, the more solidified the rhythm becomes.  I am fifty now, the big five-oh! And at this point in my life, I realize that if I haven't grown up yet, there isn't much hope of doing any more of that.  I do not see myself as fifty.  I see myself as the awkward yet sturdy woman that I've become charging through the peaks and valleys of my life.  For the first half of my life, I thought that I flew it solo.  I did not become a Christian until the age of twenty five. Its amazing that I survived that long, but thankfully the Lord had a plan (and He is still working it out in me today)!
At fifty, I am more confident and comfortable in my own skin.  I wasn't always like that.  I recently had someone comment that they see me as a strong and confident woman.  It really surprised me, as that is not how I see myself; strong, yes, but confident? no!  But I guess I really am.  I've been smacked around by life my fair share and remarkably it didn't make me calloused but drew me more to the Lord.  The bumps and bruises and scars that I carry are all battle wounds that Jesus and I fought together.
And slowly over the years, I have been finding my rhythm.  When we first moved to Kansas (my husband and I refer to it as our mission field), I was bored and unmotivated.  Jobs for a woman who wasn't into agriculture were not easy to come by.  I stumbled into a little yarn shop one day that offered to teach me to knit for free!  Now I had tried knitting numerous years ago, or better to say, that my dear Grandmother had tried to teach me!  But I was impatient and awkward and would knit stitches so tight that it became unbearable to continue.  So I quit.  But there was something inside me that was determined to learn this mysterious art of intertwining yarn.  So I started to go for lessons.  I can't tell you how many times I tried to knit, unraveled yarn, and tried again!  It became such a scene that even my husband asked me if I was ever going to finish the dishcloth I was working on!  But I knew that I had to get it right, I had to find my rhythm.  My teacher (bless her soul) said sometimes undoing what we do helps us to learn, so I took that advice and kept knitting rows, unraveling them, and then knitting again.  And Voila, I actually finished the dishcloth!  It was a glorious moment in my life!  I hung in there, I didn't quit, and wouldn't you know, I actually found my rhythm!
It's no different in the grand scheme of things, over time, we do find our rhythm!  Granted no one else on this green earth hears our drummer, but us and the Lord!  But hanging in there and not giving up really makes a difference and sooner or later you actually figure out who you are, what you were created for and why!
And I actually really enjoy knitting!  It's something I especially like to do at the beach...

Duty

http://instagram.com/p/qXP5dHFlj0/During the recent BIC General Conference I declined from being a delegate (once every 10 years is enough for me!).  However I was willing to help out in some capacity... my volunteerism landed on the ears of the children's pastor who was in need of nursery workers.  Having recently returned from a 'Grandma tour' with my own little ones, I gleefully accepted!
Spending time with the wee ones during conference reminded me of what was going on in the next building with the delegates and conference attendees.  A lot of the personalities and conflicts are the same whether I was attending conference or working in the nursery!
Allow me to illustrate... first there were the workers themselves; a nice mixture of 'older and wiser' mixed with the 'young and eager'... I was greeted by the children's pastor who was excited that I had volunteered and ready to tell me everything I needed to know to be an informed nursery worker.
Then there was the seasoned vet, a grandma herself, who also has a job driving a school bus for special needs kids.  She was a dynamo, let me tell you!  She had a pun for everything and a story to back it up!  What fun!  Kind of like a children's missionary!  She truly had a heart for kids and Jesus!
Then there were the various interns and the regular mom with her teenage daughter.  The interns were fun and the kids loved them (they could actually get down on the floor and play!).  The mom and daughter duo were quiet and probably just trying to figure out what had happened to cause them to say 'yes' the day they were asked to help out in the nursery for a session!
 So there we were, the team that was brought together for this special occasion (granted, not all were there the entire time)!  Next were the children (and their parents, lets not forget the parents)!  Each parent had there own style from Nine West diapers bags to eco friendly everything under the sun to I make everything from scratch, including my children!  It was interesting, to say the least... there was A LOT of crying (I call it separation anxiety) as the parents each tried (in vain) to ease there child into this foreign land called "the makeshift nursery".  Some of the Dads were noticeably tender and almost coddling... which was surprising to me.  The moms, who were more seasoned at separation anxiety from there children, were more apt to 'rip the band-aid off' and just make a run for it when their toddler wasn't looking!
Then there were the children themselves, those sweet little sinners!  Angelic faces, so trusting and tear stained... but quickly it was realized these kids would play with everything in the room and then look for something more to explore.  It was during play time that their true selves would come to light.  Each child is the center of their own universe, not considering for a minute, that the other children in the room were just as much the center of THEIR own universe, too!  Our selfishness is innate, we can't help it... and apparently we don't really ever learn how to squelch it, we only think we do!
I still remember the personalities that were prevalent at General Conference 2012, each person showing their true colors and leaning as they spoke into the microphone.  Having never attended a BIC conference before and new to the BIC in general, I was really amazed at just how boorish some of the microphone speakers were.  I don't doubt their passion, but I quickly realized how difficult being a moderator would be in that setting!
As my husband would share insights from General Conference 2014 with me each evening, I realized that it was pretty much the same scenario (making me reaffirm how glad I was to be in the nursery, this time).
So I've been thinking about 'the church' mainly the people of the church.  God must shake His beloved head a lot.  We are so opinionated and mixed up, at times.  Pushing agendas when we could be promoting Jesus.  Not trusting each other, when we should be showing people the God whom you can trust.  It makes me sad to hear the stories of some of the 'microphone speakers' at General Conference.  Why can't we trust each other and especially the leadership that God has called?  It's no different than trying to convince a toddler to trust a nursery worker who is willingly there to lead them, isn't it?  I mean in the grand scheme of things, those with a heart to be where God places them should be trusted to do what only God can enable them to do, right?
Now I realize that those attending General Conference are 'hopefully' all believers... but I am still sensitive to the fact that words are l-o-n-g remembered and unless they are prayerfully spoken can have a lasting effect.
It seems difficult for some to accept change.  Whether you are a toddler being left in the nursery or an adult having to deal with changes in leadership within an organization.  Just as sometimes a toddler cries, solely to be heard (I actually watched a little girl keep moving herself around the room, while crying so someone would look at her),  it is my opinion that some adults are merely seeking an audience as well.  Even negative attention soothes the cranky beast...
It also seems difficult for some to accept differences in each other and here is where the similarities die between toddlers and homogenized adults.  Children are more than willing to accept differences in each other and look for the similar in which to relish in; just watch children in any given nursery...  But not so with so many adults who find it their sole duty in life to segregate and judge others because of a lack of similar background or heritage.  This kind of thinking stinks and makes for drawing lines. To me, this kind of thinking is not what Jesus had in mind for His church.  Jesus was the master at bringing together an odd lot of folk and teaching them that their differences come from and are to glorify Him.  He took a bunch of unschooled fishermen and pious religious folk to change history and document HIS story!  I am thankful for that.
Being a Christian is not about legacy... we all have a sordid past when you get right down to it.  Being a Christian is about redemption, and lets never forget that.

If I Die Today...

So I've been experiencing shortness of breath and chest pain for quite some time; always excusing it as 'my asthma'... but after a visit to the dr this week, it may be something more serious. For the first time in my life I have high blood pressure and coincidentally (not) I am the heaviest I have ever been.
This year has been bumpy from the start.  Losing my step-daughter to leukemia in February really took the wind out of our sails, to say the least.  Plus the fact that I turned the big 5-0 in March.
Jessica was just 28.  I have lived 22 more years than she did.  And I selfishly want more.  But there comes a realization in life that we do not control squat.  The Lord has the controls.  And He has a remarkable and gracious plan.
One of the last messages I got from Jessica has stuck with me... we knew she was going downhill fast and I had asked her if there was something she had always wanted to do (because, at the time, I was determined to make it happen, whatever it was).  Here is her reply...
Learn to play the guitar,I went to a few music stores but they are so expensive! I really don't know, shoot, right now I'd like to just be able to wake up and make me breakfast without being winded and needing my oxygen,lol.I don't know,I have difficulty just doing daily stuff now,I just try to be content with the days I have. I just can't believe this cancer came back, it hurts my heart,I always thought I'd get married again and have a child, but that's not gonna happen. So there's really not anything else I wanted anyways. 
Obviously Jessica had come to grips with the fact that God is in control. She had learned the secret of peace- being content... fully realizing that God's mission for her life was coming to an end.  Sure she was disappointed, who wouldn't be, but she had moved to that special place of acceptance.
Who am I to argue with the God of the universe?  Whether I live to a ripe old age or not, I must ask myself, am I living today as if it were my last?  Do I have peace with God?  Have I done all that God has for me to do?
I can't honestly say yes to my first question or my last, but as to whether or not I have peace with God, that is an absolute YES!  Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, Romans 5:1
The peace of God that comes through knowing Jesus as my Lord and Savior is really all that matters.  His forgiveness is what all are seeking, whether they realize it or not.  For about half my life now, I have had that glorious peace.  Sure, I question God at times, but even when I don't  understand, I still trust Him!
So here I sit, knowing full well that my days are numbered by the Lord God, I can't add one or take one away.  But at the same time, I realize that I can take better care of myself, in order to live each day to the fullest, and live for Him!  His purpose for all human life is relationship with Him through accepting the redeeming sacrifice of Christ.  Surely I can share that good news with someone today!